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The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.
I got up at 7:00 this morning .. lather rinse repeat ... How long do you have to do this for?
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
I like to start my morning off with a good nap.
Make yourself indispensable at work by hiding everything.
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
Life is so hard when you have twenty TV shows to watch.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY