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A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
No one ever reads the rules of Monopoly unless an argument breaks out.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.