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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
You never really know how many inches you`re gonna get or how long it`ll last. Snow, maybe.
"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
The way I see it, every Friday is Good Friday.
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
Rest area restrooms are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...
If 3 people have sex, it`s called a 3-some. If 2 people have sex, it`s called a 2-some. I guess we now know why they call you HAND-some.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.