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That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
Just used the "f word" over on FB so I`m waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
Sorry I cancelled at the last minute, but it took me forever to think of an excuse I hadn`t used yet.
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
Single, means never having to say you`re sorry.
Single Awareness Day ..... it`s a S.A.D. day