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Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
I do 5 situps every morning. I know it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times one can hit the "snooze" button......
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Isn’t it funny how people that talk too much also have annoying voices?
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.