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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
Has anyone ever seen a gorilla in the mist? Some of the local drivers struggle to see my car in perfect daylight conditions, so I doubt that they`d spot a Gorilla in limited visibility!!!!!
There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
People were shocked when they found I wasn`t a good electrician. :-)
My husband`s wife is freakin` awesome!
I`m at that "licking peanutbutter off a spoon" time to go grocery shopping point....
My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.