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My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
All I see on Facebook is penis, orgasm, bang him, bang her, bullwhip, masturbate, porn, tits, and then I read everyone else`s posts..
You can be like "This is a slippery slope" or you can be like "Weeeeeeee!"
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
I’m not stupid. I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn`t work if it isn`t open.
I keep hitting the escape key ... But I`m still here.
I`m tired of things costing money
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
Since light travels faster than sound, isn`t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?