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My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that`s over with.
My face is a 4, my personality is a 6, so basically, I`m a 10.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
I`m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest any of you in despair and disappointment?
believes saying "hi" with a big smile can brighten anyone´s day ... even those who give you the middle finger for cutting them off in traffic.
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...