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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
Is it polite or rude to slide a note into the bathroom stall next to you that says, "heard you farting but it`s ok you`re in the right place :)"
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
"Mary had a little lamb. That`s had." - the wolf
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
Hurricanes, Fires,Tiger running loose ... Whoever is playing Jumanji needs to wrap it up
The word bed looks like a bed.
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
The push-up bra: the strangely acceptable female equivalent of a rolled up sock stuffed in men`s underwear.
Don`t Follow Me, I`m Lost Too
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....