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Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.
Decided to make a life altering decision today.... When I think of it I`ll let you know
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don`t have long.
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Nobody cares what you`re gonna do in 2015. Now post some nudes.
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
Revenge is best served to someone`s toothbrush.
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?
I`m in no shape to exercise patience!
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me