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There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
you know you`ve been facebooking too much when you accidentally say "LOL", in person...
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.