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My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
Let`s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
It`s amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff.
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.