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I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics...So glad I found you all.
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
Gun Control: Use both hands
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I`m a ball of fun when I black out.
The parents with the ugliest babies take and post the most pictures.
I don`t get women. Also, I don`t understand them.
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....