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All I`m saying is one of us is right and the other one is you.
How do I tell my boss I don`t want to do work anymore but still want money.
When I grow up I´d like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.
Forgotten pocket money is the best!
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
Good For OJ, he gets to take another stab at life..
I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.