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SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
What I do when I black out is none of my business.
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn`t believe me.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
Condoms prevent minivans.
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”
I Don`t Care If you Don`t Like Me .. Iam Not A Facebook Status :D