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Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it´s still on the list.
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
I’m glad you spent $80 on makeup to look like a $5 whore. Well done
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!