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Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
I hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we haven`t thought about in a while ... demons."
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!