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There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
Ahhhh, bad credit…the best identity theft protection.
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
What doesn`t kill you, makes you stronger... except for lions, lions will definitely kill you.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn`t even apply for the job.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
If "Cops" has taught me anything it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they`re nothing but trouble...
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy
Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba.