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I`m not as smart as I used to be but then again you can`t stay a teenager all of your life.
A Smart car Zoomed past me And vanished into a pothole.
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
Blue&Black or White&Gold? Who cares what color the dress is, so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.
Don`t do it in the Garden, they say love is blind but ur neighbor ain`t.
Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
Home is where the pants aren’t.
Don`t let anyone call you an "underachiever". If they knew you, they`d know how amazing it is that you`ve managed to accomplish anything.