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In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid`s vomit.
You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…
A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you`re a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.