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Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
Of course you look good; I don`t have ugly friends.
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
woman belong in the kitchen? thats where the knives are you fool.
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
you can´t drink all day if you don´t start in the morning
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
Irony is paying a therapist to listen to how you don’t like talking to other people.