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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
It`s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
Nice meeting you, but I forgot your name as soon as you said it...
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
exercise........you mean extra fries
The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her