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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
I’m gonna make this girl mine….. Right click, Save As….
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
I tried being modest once, as expected I was amazing at it.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.