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Coffee...Meet your Maker!
Sometimes when i`m following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a computer? I don`t really know but when it megabytes, it megahertz
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
I bet people who like their own statuses wink at themselves in the mirror too.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.
The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.