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What if Egyptians actually had a written language, then started using emojis, and that’s all that’s left?
I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
I`m 5`5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I can`t stand people who blame everyone else for their problems....I`d be successful and happy by now if it wasn`t for them!!!!
The way I figure it, whatever doesn’t kill me has lost it’s chance.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my car is Satan`s chariot.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.