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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
It is totAlly unnecessary to put a PM after 23:00.
On a scale of Doopers, you`re pretty Super.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
"keep moving.....nothing to see here"
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who`s stressing you out.
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.