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I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I`m lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, I’m calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
Dora the explorer.... Y U NO GET GPS?
How much time has to pass before grave robbing is considered archaeology?
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."