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cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it`s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I can`t remember if I have any repressed memories.
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
They`re having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I`m dreading it.