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Exercise? More like extra fries.
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I`m here to `like` them.
I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the center go to hell.
If at first you don`t succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.
i just caught a disease so rare that even i dont have it .
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
if truth is what u want...in return alcohol is all I want...
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.
Ever wonder if we`re just a reality TV show for a more intelligent species?