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I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew.
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
Walmart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Walmart is going to invade Costco.
Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I`m a ball of fun when I black out.
So long pants! See you Monday!
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don`t want to go to prison.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?