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If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.
The only reason I liked your post was because I was trying to clean a smudge off my screen.
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
Doing absolutely nothing on the weekends has started to feel more fun than actually going out.
My life is just one long improvisation.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.