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3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn`t that bad. It`s kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
Call me faithless, but I just can`t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don`t care about being healthy and smelling clean."
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
I`m feeling 22.. Pounds overweight.
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don`t understand how weather works.
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.
Whoever named anteaters, solid effort right there.