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Just remember the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your talent
Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I shake my bottled water so the H`s & O`s are evenly distributed.
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.
Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty.