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If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
Due to the rise in the economy, the position 69 will now be 96, due to the higher cost of eating out.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.
A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it
That awkward moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the hot water ran out.
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.