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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
Call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook`s Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
Relationship status: I make my own sandwiches.
I received an email from a hacker that had accessed my bank account. It simply read, "LOL".
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
Back in my day we had 9 planets.
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"