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Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
Someday, I hope to be so rich that I`ll never be happy again.
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn`t walk to the donut shop.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.