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Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
If you don`t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn`t get your money`s worth.
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
When you`re a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!