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Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
I never said I hated you. I just said that if you where on fire, I would consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
I have a friend with one eye, he`s pretty cool about it, instead of :D he sends .D
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words