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Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.
My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
Facebook is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in.
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
I don`t know about you . But everytime I go on Twitter , I get this weird feeling , I am being followed.
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I´m awesome..
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?