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What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
I will stop eating ice cream out of the container once I make it completely level.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
"Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry."
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
My therapist says I should quit talking to myself.
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
Serving size ?? LMAO
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Every pair of panties can be a thong if your a$$ is big enough.
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?