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I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate you bye
Moral compass? Is there an app for that?