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Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Facebook is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in.
Good thing all the `Five and Ten` stores closed... They were nickle and diming us to death.
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
I`m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that`s how weather works.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
It`s always fun to act like you don`t see the person running to catch the elevator your in just as the door starts closing.