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If it rains on a dream catcher, does that make it a wet dream catcher?
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Getting up in the morning is like writing an essay. You want to do it, it takes a lot of effort, and you usually quit halfway through.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
The hardest question of the weekend.. can or bottle?
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
That awkward moment when you can’t tell if it’s a Halloween costume or their regular clothes…
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.