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Mary, mary quit contrary, watched their garden thrive. The cops found seed of a very odd weed; Now they`s doing three to five.
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
Yo! My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
It`s bigger on the inside..said no woman, ever!
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase Regards again.
More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?
Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?