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Conspiracy theory for conspiracy theorists: Your conspiracy theories were planted by the government to distract you from real conspiracies.
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
I`ll be right with you, I`m busy being inappropriate on the internet.
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
There`s a word for people like you ... "leave"
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
Don`t mix Viagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
Hand sanitizer: the cut finder.