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Monica & Chandler’s twins would be 9 this year, Pheobe’s triplets 14, Ben 18, and Emma 11. Let’s just take a moment to let that sink in.
Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
Why does McDonalds call it a drive thru when you have to drive AROUND the building?
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.