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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
If you`re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
Take my advice, I’m not going to use it.
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
If I ever post something on Social media sites that`s not funny or clever, That just means someone hacked my account, Just Saying!
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.