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If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
Love your neighbor ... but don`t get caught.
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
i didn`t know i had a facebook account until now
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.