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I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I`m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You`re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what`s going on here.
Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don`t know what I`m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It`s a mystery
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb. Maybe she wasn`t that hungry.
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
Apple and Blackberry should team up and make a phone called the Pie.
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.
Living alone is pretty cool, I don`t even know if my bathroom door closes