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Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
This status could be yours for 3 easy payment of $8.99, get in quick because this offer won`t last for long, infact there are only 5 left.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.
A synonym is a word you use when you can´t spell the word you first thought of.
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.