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Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
I`m lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you`re the valet. 3. Say yes.
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
is bored of being bored because being bored is boring.
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
Not to brag or anything, but I don`t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
A world without Facebook would be much more productive.
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.