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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
A lot of people don`t realise that Shania Twain`s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
Whenever someone ends their status with "LOL" I know it`s a repost, cuz...who the hell laughs at their own statuses? LMAO!
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
If you guys could read my mind! It would be all like; " "
I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.