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Bitches be trippin..... ok, maybe I pushed that one.
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
You`d think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
A "long story" is just a short story that no one wants to tell.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
Random Thought: How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.
The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn`t enough...
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks