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One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
Yes, Facebook says we`re `friends` but, trust me, I wouldn`t hesitate to punch you in the face.
The worst part of Aquaman`s day has to be, when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
Who’s that sexy beast…………..oh I clicked on my own profile again. ;)
9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I `m crazy. One hums ...
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.