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Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
What`s the difference between "Ooooo" and "Ahhh"? About 3 inches.
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
Velcro is a ripoff
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
That awkward moment when you sing the wrong part of a song with confidence.
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.