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Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
This day needs more tomfoolery!
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
if your happy and you know it ---thank your ex
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you