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Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
You seem like a sweat person. Mind if I lick you to find out?
Don`t do it in the Garden, they say love is blind but ur neighbor ain`t.
LIKE if you hide your favorite food from your family
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
:): The Bipolar smiley face