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The best things in life are free, but they still screw you on shipping.
The police never think its as funny as I do.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Iām thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily Iām just unpopular.
They say money doesn`t bring you happiness.... I say....neither does being broke....