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I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
Who named them veterinarians and not "dogtors"?
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
One day id like to have a brand new Iphone like the lady in front of me with the food stamps.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.